Noisy, noisy death

In the past two weeks, I have dealt with the death of many patients. I am working in the MICU. And the MICU is the place where many come to struggle with death and then finally give in. It is strange to do the death exam. There is no beating heart, there is no whoosh of breaths. And you would think that this would be a silent affair. But it never is. I listen to the silence and it is loud. There is a whirling and swirling of emptiness that is not quiet at all. And of course then there is the family ranging from flocks of 25 to 30 or the wails of the spouse of 25 to 30 years that cannot be acknowleged in the state of Texas because he is also a he.

Life Death Life Death

Death bothers me. The nurse explains to me that this is okay, that it would be bad if it didn't bother me. She states death bothers everyone because it causes you to face your own mortality. I face my own mortality with peace. Mortality doesn't scare me. It is all the stuff that precedes it that's scary. My own mortality is not fearsome. The mortality of those that I care about--that is terrifying. I suppose this is what makes many gravitate towards being a doctor--this intimate relationship with people that you don't even know. Helping to birth and fighting with death.